July 7, 2026

Wow, my first blog entry! On my first ever website! (one that is viewable in some sense, anyways..)

My life has been pretty crazy recently. My American boyfriend is going to be in my apartment for the first time this Thursday and I can't lie, I am pretty nervous. For like. A lot of reasons. What if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I am lazy? What if he thinks I am dirty? What if, what if, what if, what if? Soooo many fears, and I know all of them are just my mind being silly.

I am 24 now, so I have to start thinking seriously about relationships and such, marriage, life plans, all that. Atleast that is what my family says and what is kinda expected of me, but out of all my relationships, I have never wanted to fight for someone more.

I've gone through a lot in my life, much more than anybody should, and have my faiiiiir share of shitty relationships - some abusive, some just toxic - so being with a guy who is actually kind and gentle (and hot) feels like picking out a diamond in a heap of shit. Lol. So I want to fight for him to keep him!

So I may of been overexerting my body trying to power clean my apartment despite me knowing it will never be ''clean enough for him'' in my mind. I think that comes from my childhood. I have a lot of memories of my father getting angry at me for not cleaning my bedroom fast enough, and he would just throw away all my belongings, or just getting berated for not doing things in a timely manner, or ' good enough ' , so I feel like it makes sense that would carry on into adulthood. skull emoji.

AAAAAANYWAYS ... I don't really know what else to say? I've recently made some more friends on vr, and I really really hope they turn out better than the last group of people I had. Crossing my fingers - it's hard for me to imagine making actual friendships on something like vrchat, because of the stereotype around it and the fact that 99% of the time the stereotype is just a fact, but my boyfriend swears by it and says it ''bridges the gap''.

ok, cool, the bridge is over a gap of, like, ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but me and him always end up making fun of the weirdos we find, so i guess that makes it all worth it.

Aside from meeting my boyfriend in person for the first time, I think Zanka's Court Era is finally done. Don't worry reader!! Not for any criminal activity on my end! But omg, it feels absolutely unreal. Two years of my life stolen from me in in such a horrid way, by a relative nonetheless.. The fight has been hard.

I've been in homeless shelters and half way homes, but now I finally have an apartment in my name for the first time in my life, far far away from everyone and everything. I don't feel safe quite yet, but I let out a deep breath of relief knowing the hardest part is over. But in all honesty..

I feel like I will remain in this weird NEET space for a long time. Of course being disabled and traumatized in such a way gives me an excuse, but for now, I am comfortable in this safe bubble I put myself in.