July 24, 2026

trigger warning for talks of suicide, mental health, and abuse

This entry is going to be a bit of a vent one, maybe even a bit heavy, so please be aware! I don't have many places to just scream into the void so, uh, buckle up.

It's been almost two years now (this september) since I escaped my sexually abusive uncle, and while I have been making amazing progress mentally, the physical disabilities I now have because of the two year long traumatic experience have been getting worse. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, as I also had a forklift accident. Whether the fibromyalgia was onset from that or the trauma is unknown to me. I have seizures because of my complex ptsd and I have bladder issues from being assaulted by him, and it makes me so angry. So, so, angry.

His sentencing has been rescheduled a total of two times, and now I am being told it is September 3rd. By the grace of God, or whatever higher power, or maybe even my guardian angel, he plead guilty. And I remember telling my Dad that, and he said, "Well nobody can say you're lying now!" and at that point, I had been faced with so much turmoil, it didn't even hurt me anymore to hear that.

I have my own apartment now, and I'm doing better, but constantly still getting fucked over by the government and only getting a welfare cheque of 300$ a month because newsflash, your boy can't physically work anymore!

I just can't help but feel ashamed.. Ashamed of what happened to me, and ashamed that at some point, when my stockholm syndrome was at its peak, I felt content with the abuse and asked for it, because I felt like being some kind of fuck toy was what I was deserving of. Does that make me less of a victim?

My current boyfriend is amazing. I so badly want him to be the one, I believe he is deeply in my soul, but I do not think he feels the same. My doubt could be a trauma response (he always says it is) but after the circumstances I feel like I cannot trust my own mind. I try to see the good in everything and everyone, but I shut myself down so hard.

When he visited, he had to hold my head up when I was bathing because I had a seizure in the bathtub and couldn't hold myself up. He's disabled as well, so hearing him keen in pain, almost crying while squatting down to hold my head up, made me feel like fucking shit. Not that I blame him for being in pain, or am upset at him being in pain, but because of me. Because I should've been able to fucking bathe myself. I am 24 years old and I cannot even fucking be trusted in a bath by myself. How do you NOT feel ashamed?

And then when we were are the beach, I began feeling dizzy and loopy, and he had to carry me in the water and shield me from the waves. I felt like shit. I felt like I ruined our fun time. My brain works against me and tells me that he is just saying he loves me out of pity, that he wont come back in October, etc, etc, etc, etc, and I know it's all bullshit, I know he truly loves me, but my brain man.

Before I met my boyfriend I dated this girl named Maya, she was my first relationship after my traumatic experience. We almost made it to a year before I realized I was T4T gay, and she was also a very irresponsible and unhygenic person, so I had to end things. I remember really wanting to stay friends with her, cause she did mean something to me (platonically) but she just kinda went off the handle and went psychotic. But I guess that's just what happens sometimes. I don't miss her by any means, I can't even remember any good times or fond memories of us together, but part of me still hopes she is doing well. It's hard for me to wish negativity on somebody.

Sitting here now and looking back on my life, I feel regret, shame and disgust. I wanted to be somebody. I was going to be somebody. A musician, an artist, somebody who created. I had such a passion in my teens for writing music and lyrics, for making friends and being social. I can't even sing anymore, I cannot do anything anymore. I am just praying that one day, things will change. I'll be able to sing again, to write again, to be somebody worthy of love and being called pretty and nice things, somebody that people want to be friends with, somebody that someone wants to marry. I don't think I will ever get married. I hope I do.

And when I die, either at 25, 30, or 80, I will haunt them all. All the people who have caused me harm. I try to keep it all inside, all the bad feelings that bubble up my throat, but I always feel judged. Or shamed. That I will scare people away if I say too much.

I have been writing poems again recently. Here's one I wrote a bit ago,

Love is birds

Love is air

Love is rain

Love whispers,

"You need to let this go"

Memories, can't be undone

My life is unfinished, can't be undone

Love is sun

Love is hope

Love is from God

God doesn't make the pain go

I'm confused by freedom

What do you do with freedom?

It's a bit emo, looking back on it. I don't really know what else to write. I guess I just wanted to spill my feelings out on a page. Guh

I just want to be good. All my life I have fought to be good, to be wanted, to be loved and cared for. I want to be comitted to, to be learned about, to be held and hugged. I want someone to love me for me, for forever, and I know my boyfriend does.. But does he want to love me forever? My brain tells me no, but my heart says, "I really hope so."