August 9, 2026
Content warning for talk of death, suicide, and existential crisis
This dream (or nightmare, depending how you see it) is probably the most crazy one I had in a while. I take prazosin, which is SUPPOSED to combat against PTSD induced flashbacks/nightmares, but it definetely gives me some fucking insane dreams..
I had been struggling with suicidal ideation all my life, and can count on my hand how many times I actually made a plan to follow through. Despite me doing better now, that ideation is still always in the back of my mind like a looming figure like, "hey, u should kill urself lol". Except I never do!!! Haha!!!
Anyways, I went to bed, all was normal. Boyfriend was at a VR Rave so I had the night and day to myself and it was pretty chill! But alas.. As soon as I closed my eyes.. Hell ensued...
In the dream, I died via suicide. I don't remember much of the gory details but I do know it was because I overdosed on my trazodone. I was in this halfway point between the afterlife and Earth, like some kind of spirit. I remember there being a bunch of other spirits around me, and there was a hierachy - the "boss" who mentored the newer spirits, and the others who were either new spirits, or had been in this halfway between for a while and knew the rules. And one of the rules was to not, under any circumstances, contact the living, no matter what! I remember thinking how strange that was, because in movies and life people WANT to talk to spirits and reconnect with the dead. So in my dream mind it was a strange rule (and in my awake mind, it still is weird)
We were all in this big hotel in Malibu (dont ask me why malibu, im canadian. ive never been there) and would people watch the living. It was at this point where I decided to go out exploring and found my dead body in one of the hotel rooms. And, of course, despite ALL the warning I got, I grabbed my phone and unlocked it only to be met with THOUSANDS of notifications, and a lot of voicemails. I texted my boyfriend and was like "I'm so sorry I died"??? but he seemed to be perfectly ok with it (rude) and said "just wait for me xoxo". weird but kinda romantic
A bit of time passed but I honestly don't know how much. It felt like weeks of people watching the living and talking to the other spirits. I blinked and I was in front of my family as a spirit watching them file my funeral paperwork and omg none of them gave a fuck LOL. My mom misgendered me the entire time and they all just seemed bored and wanting to be done with the process, which is honestly how my family has kinda always seen me so it's no surprise they'd feel like my funeral was an inconvenience LOL. However, the only family member who really reacted was my dad. I ended up delving into my voicemails and so many of them were my dad just screaming into the phone that it couldn't be true, just so upset.
My best friend Zach was in shambles and just not okay. I remember being on my phone in the group chat we all have and seeing him just not being able to function, and it really broke my heart. It was hard to see, especially because I have never seen this guy cry, and we've been friends for almost two years. aish.
Overall it was a horrible dream. I woke up and just started crying because it felt so real. But on a good note, it kinda gave me a new lease on life? Like.. There's so much I still want to do and experience, especially with my super awesome boyfriend and my best friend. Not like I was going to kill myself anytime soon, but part of me wants to try and appreciate life more..